10 things I hate about relationships...

I braved a brief trip home today. It's not that I don't want to see my friends and family, quite the opposite actually. I really miss everyone, but there's something about Wycombe I cannot stand. Whether it's how happy everyone there seems to be living such a mundane existence, or how low the aspirations of the majority of its population are, I do not know. What I do know is that every time I return I feel inexplicably miserable and feel the need to flee as a matter of urgency. Today I lasted a total of 6 hours before having to make my escape.

During the little time I did spend there I did manage to fit in a catch-up with my mother. We aren't particularly close, but I was really pleased to see her and have a chance to chat. Due to the fact that we aren't particularly close the inevitable question always crops up when I see her, “so, do you have a boyfriend?” I HATE this question, and I do not understand why she ALWAYS asks it seeing as the answer is always the same. I know why she does it, she's worried that I'm lonely or unhappy. I'm really none of these things, and if I was it certainly would have nothing to do with being single. She has all these theories as to why this is: that I'm too intimidating; that I'm too picky; that I show no interest in men. I have a few ideas of my own actually: that I'm really rude and repulsive; that I don't like talking to men; that when they try I regale them with past medical horrors such as my tooth extraction; or, my favourite, and most likely: no one is interested. True fact, a friend recently sent me a text saying, "one day, when men aren't repulsed by you and don't want to avoid you at all costs, you'll understand." I don't care, honestly I don't, but what I do care about is people's incessant desire for me to justify myself - especially those friends in relationships, I hasten to add. Actually, I'm lying, my friends are so fed up with what a cynic I am that they've stopped telling me about their relationships, or trying to sell the idea to me. I like that they've accepted I'm a heartless, unloving, emotionless void. Anyway, my mum thinks I'm going down the same route as she did with men, which, in my mind, isn't such a bad thing as she's been with my dad for 18 years and happily married to him for 4, and he's a great character. She actually asked me why I hated relationships so much, so I've compiled 10, of what I believe to be, excellent reasons.

1. I hate change. I like my life, I don't want anyone else to share it, or make me live it any differently.

2. I hate other people. Having a boyfriend would mean interacting with someone else, so that's out.

3. I hate couples. They cringe me out so much, I don't want to become part of the problem.

4. I hate stuff being bought for me. From my experience I'd have to accept gifts, meals and drinks. No.

5. I hate texting. That's all couples I know seem to do. I generally send texts on mass; I wait until I have something important to say, then say it to everyone at once to save time. A friend was once horrified that I don't have "boys I just text all the time to make me feel good about myself", do people actually do this? I can barely manage a text to X-Factor to vote, let alone hold anyone's interest over a period of time.

6. I hate being accountable to anyone. If I want to pass out in my bath, covered in temporary spiderman tattoos, having shaved a Nike tick into the side of my head, I will.

7. I hate the idea of being "in a relationship" with anyone on Facebook, except, of course, Tony Blair.

8. I hate holding hands.

9. I hate public displays of affection. Any boyfriend would have to be prepared for me to pretty much ignore their existence in public.

10. Above all, I'd hate having to relinquish my right to judge others in relationships.

Ok, so these aren't great reasons, but I wouldn't have to make any up if people would just let me be a hermit. Perhaps I am too cynical, but I kind of like it. One day I'll change, but I can't think of anything worse than looking for a relationship for the sake of it. A little while ago I promised a friend that I'd accept the first date I was asked out on, but with my fantastic attitude I don't see myself having to break this promise any time soon.

I guess perhaps you're thinking, in true '10 things I hate about you style', I'm going to conclude this with, 'most of all I hate the way I don't hate relationships, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."

Well, suck it up, I'm not.