X-Factor makes me want to kill myself.

Every time I watch the X-Factor I feel like this. I'm not one of these people who gets on their soapbox, ranting about how it's just a bunch of talentless idiots. Honestly, I do see the appeal, and I do think that some of the people on the show are unbelievably talented. Take Jedward last year - an absolute crime against music that they didn't win. If you think I'm joking then you're obviously lucky enough to have missed out on my 'Jedsession', which culminated in me getting to meet them and not being able to speak. N.b. NEVER meet your heroes. No, my reason for hating X-Factor actually lies in a rather traumatic experience on the show myself. Unfortunately, again, this is no joke.

This is my mum, Philippa Brewer. To this day she still thrives off her trip to the X-Factor.

I took my family along for support, although my dad spent the entire morning moaning about having to be in Manchester at all, let alone having to be in such close proximity to Old Trafford. I queued for about 10 hours, by which point my family had returned to sunny High Wycombe and I was hanging out with a man who was going by the name 'DJ Dave'. Surely you'd just introduce yourself as Dave in polite conversation? Anyway, it came to my audition and I was unbelievably nervous, like nothing you can imagine. First of all, imagine singing in front of a crowd of thousands, second of all, imagine singing in a place that stands for EVERYTHING you hate. Well I started to sing and the lady stopped me 30 seconds in. Oh no, the awkward moment when you realise you're so bad that they cannot bear to sit through your entire audition, I thought. "Sorry, I ent heard that song, you got something else to sing?" Who hasn't heard of Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights?!?!?! Anyway, I proceeded to sing Roberta Flack's Killing me Softly, and I barely had enough time to tell her exactly how much of my pain was being strummed with his fingers before she'd flung me a GOLDEN TICKET. Yes, that's right, my passport to the next round.

My next audition was two days later. Obviously I'd told EVERYONE about my success; I probably made friends with enemies to share, with them, my joy. I didn't know what song I was going to sing for this audition, did I take the risk that these judges would have delved into a world of music beyond the 'popular' one, or did I play it safe and sing the song that gave me my coveted golden ticket? I took the risk. It didn't pay off. The audition was in front of three young producers hardly older than me - at the time I was just 19, and although they let me complete the audition, the chap in the middle, the spokesman, looked left, then right, took a deep breath and said:
"Ruth, we love what you've got and you do have a great voice, but..."
"You're not really commercial enough, there's not really a market for this kind of thing..."
"anymore."
I enjoy that they collectively shattered my dreams and self-esteem - that was a nice touch. Good use of telepathy too. There's not a market for blue eye shadow but they still make that! I turned on my heel and left promptly, vowing never to return to X-Factor, Old Trafford or Manchester again. I have repeatedly broken one of these vows, but for good causes such as; seeing UnderOath, visiting Mel and Labour Party Conference.

So at last, I have admitted why I hate the X-Factor so much. I am bitter and disenchanted and I LOVE IT.

Confessions of a 'Chick Flick' enthusiast.

I recently saw an advert for the new Zach Efron film: The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud. I don't care what anyone says, but I'm a MASSIVE fan of his work - mainly in Rolling Stone magazine, but I'm not too fussed; if he's in it, I'm all over it. Anyway, long story short, no one would see it with me at the cinema, and that was one film I was not prepared to see alone, so I watched it online, nice and legally. I don't know about anyone else, but unless a film is truly horrendous, I will always want to see it having seen a trailer for it. Those crafty advert makers could sell Iceland food to Heston Blumenthal. Well this film looked cracking in the trailer, a real tear jerker, although I hasten to add, I have NEVER cried watching a film. To put it bluntly: it was a complete mess. I mean, Zach Efron has sex with a ghost in it. Yet I still really enjoyed it, would probably tell everyone it was 'well good' and inevitably add it to my ever-expanding DVD collection upon its release to DVD and BluRay. This brings me to confront my problem: THE CULT OF THE 'CHICK FLICK'.

If anyone ever asked me what my favourite films were, I'd probably name some Kubrick, Hitchcock and Tarantino in the list, as well as Jean Luc Godard's 'Breathless', and 'Citizen Kane' - you know, every single cliché of a 'good film'. Genuinely, these are some of my favourite films, yet the majority of my DVD collection, and indeed the majority of the films I watch on a regular basis are, to my shame, 'romcoms' and 'chick flicks'. Everyone has time for 'Mean Girls' or 'Never Been Kissed', undeniably, these are some of the 'greats' of the genre, but by and large the films this industry produces are atrocious. Why my fixation with them? I suppose the hopelessly good looking cast helps, and the idea that no matter how bad life gets some handsome rogue, with lots of money, is going to come along and, errr, rock your world. I like to think I'm a realist, ok I'm delusional about some things - like the existence of Hogwarts, but even knowing that these tales, extolling the virtues of love and marriage, are economical with the truth doesn't stop me from lapping them up. I'm so taken in by this cult that one of my favourite hobbies, and I'm not sure why I'm admitting this seeing as all my friends think it's unbelievably hilarious, is searching for clips, stills and sequences of sad films, set to equally sad songs on YouTube. Yes, people make these. No, I haven't made any of my own, and if I had I'd never tell. My absolute favourite is 'The Notebook' set to 'Hero' by Enrique Iglesias - go check it out and see what the hype is about. Another equally sad fact about me, pertaining to the subject of 'chick flicks', is that I have a section of my memory reserved for some of the more 'romantic' quotes from my favourite films.

Here are some of my faves...

'It wasn't over for me, it still isn't over' - The Notebook

'What would you want to be married to me for anyway?' 'So I can kiss you any time I want.' - Sweet Home Alabama

'I tend to return to big events in my life' 'I was a big event.' - Time Traveller's Wife

'I will return. Find you, love you, marry you and live without shame.' - Atonement

And, my personal favourite...

'That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.' - Never Been Kissed

To conclude, I shall leave you with my Top 10 'Chick Flicks'.

1. Cruel Intentions
2. Never Been Kissed
3. (500) Days of Summer
4. Mean Girls
5. Sweet Home Alabama
6. It's a BoyGirl Thing
7. He's just not that into you.
8. The Sweetest Thing
9. 10 Things I Hate About You
10. Clueless

And just to save myself a little, My REAL Top 10 Films.

1. A Clockwork Orange
2. Kill Bill 2 (yes, I did enjoy Kill Bill 2 more than 1; controversial I know)
3. Kill Bill 1
4. Der Untergang
5. American History X
6. The History Boys
7. Eyes Wide Shut
8. Das Leben der Anderen
9. Inglourious Basterds
10. Psycho

And what about me? Well I'm firmly rooted in camp cynical. I don't believe in love, and when Summer Finn says in (500) Days of Summer: 'No, I’m not a lesbian. I just don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t actually feel comfortable being anyone’s anything... I like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it?' I'm right there with her.


P.s. I don't love you.