10 things I hate about relationships...

I braved a brief trip home today. It's not that I don't want to see my friends and family, quite the opposite actually. I really miss everyone, but there's something about Wycombe I cannot stand. Whether it's how happy everyone there seems to be living such a mundane existence, or how low the aspirations of the majority of its population are, I do not know. What I do know is that every time I return I feel inexplicably miserable and feel the need to flee as a matter of urgency. Today I lasted a total of 6 hours before having to make my escape.

During the little time I did spend there I did manage to fit in a catch-up with my mother. We aren't particularly close, but I was really pleased to see her and have a chance to chat. Due to the fact that we aren't particularly close the inevitable question always crops up when I see her, “so, do you have a boyfriend?” I HATE this question, and I do not understand why she ALWAYS asks it seeing as the answer is always the same. I know why she does it, she's worried that I'm lonely or unhappy. I'm really none of these things, and if I was it certainly would have nothing to do with being single. She has all these theories as to why this is: that I'm too intimidating; that I'm too picky; that I show no interest in men. I have a few ideas of my own actually: that I'm really rude and repulsive; that I don't like talking to men; that when they try I regale them with past medical horrors such as my tooth extraction; or, my favourite, and most likely: no one is interested. True fact, a friend recently sent me a text saying, "one day, when men aren't repulsed by you and don't want to avoid you at all costs, you'll understand." I don't care, honestly I don't, but what I do care about is people's incessant desire for me to justify myself - especially those friends in relationships, I hasten to add. Actually, I'm lying, my friends are so fed up with what a cynic I am that they've stopped telling me about their relationships, or trying to sell the idea to me. I like that they've accepted I'm a heartless, unloving, emotionless void. Anyway, my mum thinks I'm going down the same route as she did with men, which, in my mind, isn't such a bad thing as she's been with my dad for 18 years and happily married to him for 4, and he's a great character. She actually asked me why I hated relationships so much, so I've compiled 10, of what I believe to be, excellent reasons.

1. I hate change. I like my life, I don't want anyone else to share it, or make me live it any differently.

2. I hate other people. Having a boyfriend would mean interacting with someone else, so that's out.

3. I hate couples. They cringe me out so much, I don't want to become part of the problem.

4. I hate stuff being bought for me. From my experience I'd have to accept gifts, meals and drinks. No.

5. I hate texting. That's all couples I know seem to do. I generally send texts on mass; I wait until I have something important to say, then say it to everyone at once to save time. A friend was once horrified that I don't have "boys I just text all the time to make me feel good about myself", do people actually do this? I can barely manage a text to X-Factor to vote, let alone hold anyone's interest over a period of time.

6. I hate being accountable to anyone. If I want to pass out in my bath, covered in temporary spiderman tattoos, having shaved a Nike tick into the side of my head, I will.

7. I hate the idea of being "in a relationship" with anyone on Facebook, except, of course, Tony Blair.

8. I hate holding hands.

9. I hate public displays of affection. Any boyfriend would have to be prepared for me to pretty much ignore their existence in public.

10. Above all, I'd hate having to relinquish my right to judge others in relationships.

Ok, so these aren't great reasons, but I wouldn't have to make any up if people would just let me be a hermit. Perhaps I am too cynical, but I kind of like it. One day I'll change, but I can't think of anything worse than looking for a relationship for the sake of it. A little while ago I promised a friend that I'd accept the first date I was asked out on, but with my fantastic attitude I don't see myself having to break this promise any time soon.

I guess perhaps you're thinking, in true '10 things I hate about you style', I'm going to conclude this with, 'most of all I hate the way I don't hate relationships, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."

Well, suck it up, I'm not.

Facebook: the acceptable face of Islamophobia?

While I find the actions of the men who burned the poppies on Armistice Day absolutely abhorrent, I really, really hate all these groups popping up on Facebook inciting hatred against these individuals, calling for them to be deported. I completely oppose the whole racial and religious element that has been placed on this incident. These men were extremists, they were NOT representing Islam, despite claiming to be. All the Muslims I know conduct themselves with immense dignity, and have a great respect of others and of other faiths. Their religion and the beliefs they hold is something to be admired, and for these reasons, and many more, these men do not represent the wider Muslim community. All I am seeing at the moment is these vile groups demonising the Muslim community, even though they are only claiming to be attacking the few. It is events like this that just open the floodgates for idiots and bigots to voice their incorrect and, quite frankly, racist opinions. I am NOT defending the actions of these few; it was an unspeakable act of disrespect, but I implore you not to join these groups, even with the best of intentions. Every single wall has racists posts by ignorant individuals, and in joining these groups, making their numbers in the thousands, you are giving these people a platform. 


Let us not forget the Muslim soldiers who lost their lives alongside our service men and women in WWII. If these men were the 'true face' of Islam then they would recognise that Armistice Day honours these men and women too.


Yes, we must show these men that we find their actions deplorable, but we can do it alongside the majority of the Muslim community who are also disgusted by their actions.

If you think you're cooler than me, it's probably because you are.

So today I woke up feeling like a champion, despite the fact that apparently I declared to my friend, Hugh, that I am in love. With whom? I have no idea. N.b. if you fancy a declartion of love from me at any point, just buy me 11 pints of cider or super strength lager. I didn't really want to go straight home, although I definitely should have done considering the number of ladders in my tights, so I decided to go to Covent Garden for some sweets. If you've never been to CyberCandy you need to make it a priority to change this. It's INCREDIBLE. Over the summer my friend drove me all the way to the one in Birmingham to procure some 'Kazoozles', which are literally the greatest sweets on earth. There are four shops in the UK: Brighton, Covent Garden, Islington and Birmingham, and they stock everything you could ever dream of, from discontinued items like Cadbury's Marble, to imported treats such as Lucky Charms and Twinkies, to the unimaginable such as Crunchie Freddos and Cadbury's version of Rolos - MADNESS.

After filling my boots with delectable confectionary items, I went somewhere I'd never dare go with anyone else for fear of being ripped apart for it: Forbidden Planet. If you don't know what this shop is, then there's probably good reason - you're not a complete loser, if you do, then we both have a problem. To my shame I'm a massive film and TV memorabilia geek. I don't really buy that much of it as I don't have the room to house it, but for me, this shop is heaven. This shop doesn't just stock replica items and memorabilia, it also keeps comics, graphic novels, clothes, music and a wide array of, shall we say, films aimed at a rather niche market - not porn, just films for weirdos who still play WoW aged 32. I was in my element, and was in there admiring the cases of Harry Potter replica items for at least half an hour. They are UNREAL. If anyone's a fellow enthusiast/ wants some company on a trip to this store, hit me up, I'd definitely be on it.

Here are a few snaps from the shop...

The main display cabinet containing: Harry's vertebrae lantern, Gryffindor scarf, Harry's quill, Hermione's time turner, the Marauder's Map and other wizarding essentials.

Galleons, sickles and knuts straight from Gringott's.

Golden Egg pendant - Goblet of Fire.

House pin badges.

Main case containing all the wands belonging to the characters. Harry's was very average, Bellatrix's was pretty sick.

Marvolo Gaunt's ring/ resurrection stone.

I'm not sure why anyone would want Luna's jewellery, although it's kind of cool.

Hermione's time turner from Prisoner of Azkaban.

Mischief managed

Triwizard Tournament Cup

Nimbus 2000

Firebolt

Unbelievably cool. Didn't buy any though as I'm not blood-thirsty enough to be paying £5.99 for 500ml.

I should probably mention that upon leaving the shop I remembered it was the World Premier of The Deathly Hallows tonight. I may have definitely walked up to Leicester Square for a bit of a recce, but it was just a lot of kids and weird characters who had taken things far too far. The point at which I heard a grown man shout "STUPEFY" at a security guard, was the point I decided to take my leave. Bryony Bemment, if you are reading this in disbelief: I did try to ring several times for approval, but seeing as you failed to answer, I took your silence as your tacit compliance.

P.s. As the title of this blog would suggest, I've succumbed to the charms of Mike Posner. I'm ashamed.

All I want for Christmas is...

The greatest sweets ever made.

Zooey Deschanel's coat from 'Yes Man'.

Inception on DVD.

Ridiculously long eyelash extensions. 

Underoath's new album.

Self explanitory.

This book to fuel my obsession.

These Christian Louboutin boots to look down on the world from.

Nike high-tops.

Burberry quilted jacket. Much better than Barbour.

Another one of these - I lost my old one.

I don't even think these are in production anymore, but one of these.

Nissan Figaro.

Hattori Hanzo samurai sword.

Another lie detector - broke my old one.

The most incredible ice cream in the world.

A pensieve.

Larry David's attitude to life.

A Harry Potter Cake.

And my ideal man. He should be all of these, rolled into one...

Want to trade lives soon?

I recently received a text from one of the most amazing people I've ever met, with this question as the conclusion. The text was also pretty amazing, it reads as follows:

"I read your blog the other day on the chick flick subject, It made me laugh. In reality probably a lot of girls, and boys - why the hell not, like those films but cover it up. Then I read the quote from (500)Days of Summer, made me think; there are two choices in life: do the things you want without restrictions, or do the things you think you should be doing. I think I have fallen into this trap, but am doing it badly. In reality I would be quite happy being on my own, instead now I'm going to be someone's parent... wtf. Want to trade lives any time soon? ;) Miss you X"

I don't really agree with blogs of this nature as I like pretending I don't care about anything, but it has really had a profound effect on me. Is life really about doing what we want without restrictions, or about doing what we think we should be doing? Unfortunately I have concluded, yes. I actually actively don't do something because I think I should, because it's the 'right thing to do'. Kant always held that the only way we can be moral agents is for us to comply to a doctrine of duty rather than dogmatic religious or social codes of moral conduct. Duty for duty's sake if you will. Then I also pondered over the words of another highly regarded philosopher, Phoebe Buffay, who claimed that there was no such thing as a selfless act. Ironically I believe in both of these conflicting views, and in my mind they aren't actually mutually exclusive. I hate doing things because I HAVE to, but often do because you'd be very mistaken if you were to think living with your grandma was just a lot of delicious food and and a lot of TV. We have Radio 4 and salads, but my grandma is nearly blind and nearly deaf, she is also the person I care about most in this world. A lot of the time I don't want to go to the library to get her audio books, or collect her prescriptions, or do the ironing when her back is bad, but I do it because it's my duty. I am obviously also duty bound to eat the delicious food she buys me from M&S to thank me, and I can assure you this has absolutely NOTHING to with what a dutiful granddaughter I am.

This is my grandma, Deborah Brewer. She's a wkd champ.

Anyway my point is, on the whole, I'm a massively selfish being and would definitely bracket myself in the 'live how you want with no restrictions' category, whereas this friend is about to do the most amazing thing but believes they are in the 'do what you think you should be doing' realm. All the facts here are pretty depressing ones, 1. that this person is unhappy with their decision, 2. that I am living my life like this, and 3. that they'd be envious of this. It's easy to think that being able to do what you want is a whole lot of fun, but next year, around the time of my graduation, I will have a 2:2 in a degree I never wanted to read in the first place, and this person will have a child. I know this person too well to know that they'll let being a parent keep them in that bracket forever - they will be an absolutely amazing parent, and while that child will shape their future, it won't be their future. I can honestly say that I believe that my pesky 2:2 in 'combined honours' will be more of a burden than a child will be for this person. That makes me sound really naive; I know it will be hard work, but I have so much faith in you, it's unreal. I'll be there for nappy changing, night shifts so you can get sleep, babysitting and, of course, maintaining my main role of being an utter embarrassment to us. What fun's having friends you can't live vicariously through, ey?

I love you x

I live with my grandma because she's a better cook than my mum.